Water
by DarkAmber112
Summary: Shortly after the Barry the Chopper incident, Ed reflects on all of his failures, and wonders if he can do anything right. Oneshot. No pairings, but brotherly fluff


A/N: Ok, well this is my first oneshot, as you can see. My first angsty-drama fic thingy too. I hope you guys like it!

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. If I did, do you seriously think I'd be making these lame fanfics?**

* * *

**Water:**

Edward sat alone in the shower of his bathroom. The warm water slipped off of his skin as fast as those he cared about seemed to slip away from him. It had only been four hours since Barry The Chopper had nearly sliced him to pieces, and the solitude was doing nothing for him. He felt hopeless, alone, and pathetic.

_Why is it that everything seems to be my fault? I try to help people, but I always manage to do more harm than good...just look how my brother ended up._

The thought of Al made him flinch. His beloved brother, trapped in a metal shell that couldn't feel. Ed couldn't even fathom what that must be like. An eternal state of numbness. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't feel different textures, couldn't cry, couldn't die unless his bloodseal was messed with, couldn't age, couldn't smell things, and he couldn't get tired. Alot of people would probably consider this immortality, and want some of their own. That naivete made Ed sick, they'd have no idea what they'd be getting themselves into.

_Al shouldn't have to know either..._

The cursed saltine substance that made its way down Ed's face many times for the past few days was threatening to make another appearence. He furiously tried to bite it back, but luck just wasn't on his side. The thoughts of Nina that next flooded through his mind forced out the tears that mixed with the running water that ran down his face.

_She was only four, dammit! There's so many chances in life she never got to experience...for all we know, she could have been a great writer, or alchemist, or maybe even the one to stop all of this fighting and war, yet she didn't even live long enough to start her first year of school...and I let it happen._

The warm tears flowed faster down his face. Ed was just barely able to control the choking sobs that wanted to escape his throat. Tucker may have been the one to turn her into a chimera, and someone else may have actually killed her, but that didn't stop the young alchemist to blame the whole thing on himself.

_I let my mother die, I'm the reason Al is the way he is...why shouldn't it me my fault that Nina's gone? I didn't get there in time. I listened to that damn Brigadier General and left her alone with that mad man, Tucker. I'm...I'm a screw-up._

He'd never hated himself more than he did at that moment. He just stared blankly at the running water making its way off of his skin and down the drain.

_Hm, water. The substance that makes up 85 of our bodies. We can't live without consuming it everyday, and we need it to keep ourselves clean. It's the most important ingridient of our bodies, without it we die. _

His gaze never fell from the faucet towering above him. The water still ran at a steady pace, and followed the same pattern of falling off of his skin and into the drain.

_Then why is it that it only seems to make things worse?_

It was true. Ed had thought earlier that maybe taking a shower would help his conscience, and wash away some of the guilt. It wasn't helping. If anything, it only seemed to make his heart heavier, and add to the wetness that slipped off of his face. The sound of it hitting the ground of the shower only made him think of the rain on the day Nina's life ended. The only good it seemed to do was wash the blood off of his skin, and even that made him feel like he was trying to run away from his problems.

_I am trying to run away from my problems, isn't that why I'm here? I don't want to face anyone outside right now...heck I'm not even sure if I truly want to live. All I seem to do is be the cause of people's death and misery...Geez, now I'm thinking about suicide, I must be going crazy._

He tried to secure himself by hugging his knees closer to his chest. His throat was completely in a knot from trying to hold back his sobs.

_Would anyone truly miss me if I died? Al probably secretly hates me because of what I've done to him. Hell, I know he does. He has a right to hate me though, all I've done is fail him. Winry's probably not to happy with the fact that I almost failed her. Heh, I broke down right in front of her and the military. I must seem so pathetic to them. _

The water just kept running as if nothing was wrong. To Ed, it felt sort of like it was mocking him.

"What, you think this is funny?" Ed muttered. "Just because you've got it so good. Just because you can follow your same pattern without a care in the world...Just because we're total opposites...You're always helping people live their lives. You help them heal wounds, have fun by swimming or whatever, help plants grow. Without you, we're nothing. As for me, all I do is cause death. I couldn't even save a little girl. There are so many who would be better off if I wasn't even born."

_Great, now I'm talking to the shower. How much more insane am I going to manage to get over these next few years? That is...if I live that long. I wonder what Mustang would think if he saw me right now. He'd probably throw some short comment at me and laugh._

A sudden knock on the door broke Ed out of his train of thought.

"Edward?" came Al's voice. "You've been in there for over an hour, are you ok?"

Ed didn't reply. He just sat in his same position and watched the water's flow.

"Ed?" Al repeated.

"I'm ok," Ed finally replied.

"Are you sure?" Al asked. "You're voice was shaking."

"Was it?"

"Yeah, maybe you should go ahead and come out now. We don't want to use all of the military's hot water."

Ed nodded, not that Al could see. He finally pushed himself up and turned off the water. He barely noticed that the phone started ringing.

"I'll get it, brother," Al said, "you just go ahead and get dressed, ok?"

"Uh huh," Ed replied, failing to control the shaking in his voice. Even though the faucet was off, the sound of water pouring still made its way into Ed's hearing. The faint sound of thunder told him that it was raining. Great, just great.

He took his time drying off and getting dressed. Exiting the bathroom, the first thing that caught his eye was the window. Yep, it was raining. The water truly was mocking him, it wasn't even supposed to rain tonight. Just all day tomorrow.

Edward plopped himself onto his bed, and glared emptily at the ceiling. Every inch of his body ached, but that wasn't nearly as bad as the sharp, throbbing pain that etched its way into his soul. He just wanted to cry, scream, and pound his fists into the ground, but Al was nearby. HE was the older brother, he can't show his weakness to Al. No matter what, he had to try to be the strong one. If Al can't cry, then why should he?

At the sound of armor clunking its way closer to him, Ed looked beside him. Sure enough, Al was standing there.

"It was the doctor," Al said, "he fully checked Winry, and he didn't find anything wrong with her. She wasn't hurt physically or anything, but she did get pretty frightened. She's alright now though, and she's coming over to fix your arm."

Ed just nodded. He knew if he said anything, he'd probably just start crying. He just dried the saltine substance off of his face, he doesn't need more of it. Especially in front of Al.

"Brother..." Al said, in the best sympathetic voice he could muster, "I know you said you were fine, but you really don't look fine. Are you sure your alright?"

"I...I don't know anymore," Ed choked out. His voice finally completely broke, and he was sobbing uncontrollably. He sat up and buried his face into his hands. "I...I try to help people...I try to make things right...I'm a screw-up, all I do is fail people. I'm not even sure there's a point in me living..." all of his thoughts from before just flooded out at once. He tried to contol it, to stop himself, but after he got started, he couldn't stop. Al didn't need to be hearing about his problems, but the need to just let it out overpowered him.

"Brother..." Al sat next to Ed, and put and hand on his shoulder. Ed lost control of himself, he wrapped his arms around Al's neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Al," Ed choked, his voice barely audible, "I'm really, really sorry."

"I know Ed," Al soothed, "I know." He knew that Ed was also partly talking about Nina and their mother when he was saying he was sorry. "Nina knows it, too. It's not really you're fault about what happened to her, I mean, how were we to know what Tucker was going to do to her? And mom, I know mom doesn't blame you. She got sick, and we're not magic. We couldn't save her, but that wasn't our fault. As for me Ed, I really don't blame you. You're my brother. Our lives did kind of get screwed up the day we tried to bring mom back, but the fault wasn't just yours, it was mine, too. I had the feeling, but I didn't act on it. I'm actually grateful that I'm here after that though. Even though I'm trapped in this shell, I prefer to be here with you than dead. I love you brother, you know that, right?"

Ed was speechless. He felt like a heavy weight had just lifted off of his shoulders. Relief flooded over him to hear that his brother still loved him.

"Y-yeah..." Ed was finally able to control his sobs.

Al rubbed Ed's back, and said, "We'll be able to end this once we find the philosopher's stone. We'll get your arm and leg back, along with my body. Things will get better eventually brother, I promise!"

The flow of Ed's tears had finally stopped, and he pulled away from his brother.

"Thanks, Al," Ed said, rubbing his eyes, "for..you know...THAT."

"Anytime brother, as long as you do the same for me when I get my body back."

Ed smiled, "You got it!"

A knock at the door signaled that Winry was here. Al went to go answer the door, and Ed took to staring out the window.

_I promise you, Al. I will get your body back, no matter what it takes. My purpose in life is to keep you alive, just like the water does to the rest of us._

**End**

* * *

A/N: What do you think? Is it good? Bad? Hopefully Ed and Al aren't too OOC, I just really had to make an angst fic. Constructive critisizm is welcome, just no flames. R&R! 


End file.
